In The Stories We Tell Ourselves,
I argue that we’re all guilty of fabricating stories about the other
people in our lives when we don’t have enough information about a given
situation.
For example, how many different stories have you devised after
receiving a short but vague text message? If your friend suddenly texted
you, “Call me ASAP,” what would you automatically think? Devoid of
context—which includes your friend’s perspective, thoughts, and
emotions—your options are nearly limitless. In fact, I believe we’re so
adept at telling ourselves stories about other people that we don’t even
notice how often we do it.
So how can you become aware of when the false stories you tell
yourself about others begin to invade, intrude, and interrupt your
relationships?
For the past 15 years, as a licensed marriage and family therapist
(LMFT), I’ve found it helpful to offer my clients particular visuals so
they can better understand certain strategies for self-improvement. When
it comes to assessing whether or not you’re effectively lying to
yourself about the people in your life, consider these three gauges.
1. The Anxiety Gauge
If you are a frequent visitor to Pick The Brain,
you may have noticed the countless articles about stress and anxiety.
These dominating issues of our time occur for a host of reasons, but I’m
convinced that a major determinant of anxiety is situational ignorance.
When we don’t know enough about a situation and how it might affect our
lives (whether for good or ill), our anxiety increases. Furthermore,
the more important a relationship or possibility is to us, the higher
our stress levels will climb when we have scant information.
When you begin to feel your anxiety increase (rapid breathing, faster
heart rate, sweating, etc.), this should alert you that your
imagination will be working in overdrive in order to fill in the gaps of
your knowledge. You must become adept at reading your own anxiety gauge
so you can know when you might be more prone to making up false stories
about others.
2. The Fact Gauge
There’s a difference between what you think you know and what you
actually know, and there’s a fine line between the two. We can tell
ourselves false stories about other people for so long that we start to
believe those stories as truth, then those stories begin to dictate how
we interact with those people instead of naturally allowing the real
person to dictate how the relationship works.
The fact gauge isn’t a thermometer. It’s a barometer that varies
based on context, and you have to learn how to read your own fact gauge
based on the context of the situation. Does your boss berate you too
often, or is she under an immense amount of stress? Does your
significant other want out of the relationship, or has he or she
withdrawn from you for a different reason? You’ll approach your boss
much differently than you will your significant other, and you’ll also
have vastly different stories in your mind about those people in your
life. That’s why the fact gauge is highly contextual.
Learning to read your own fact gauge means honestly answering this
question: As far as I can know, do I really know the truth about this
situation? If you feel as if your assured knowledge about the situation
is less than 50 percent of what it could be, you’re more prone to
wrong-headed speculation that will increase your anxiety and could place
undue stress on that relationship.
3. The Presence Gauge
Certainly, all three of these “gauges” should be checked on a routine
basis, but I’m a major proponent of the presence gauge. Simply put,
when you’re talking with someone else, are you actually present? Do you
listen without simultaneously thinking about your reply? Do you make eye
contact? Does your mind try to automatically fill in the blanks of what
they’re saying before they’ve had a chance to fully explain themselves?
When you fail to offer your presence to another person, your mind
seeks to fill that void with a story that’s more compelling than the
truth you’re being presented. When you learn how to become aware of your
level of presence, you help to mitigate the number of stories you tell
yourself about that person. You start to interact with the person in
front of you and not the person you’re conjuring in your mind.
Learning the art of being present takes time, and that’s something I
go into detail about in my book. For the time being, practice presence
in your next conversation by being attentive, questioning, and
clear-headed.
If you make consistent attempts to read and calibrate your anxiety,
fact, and presence gauges, the number of false stories you tell yourself
about other people will decrease, resulting in both a decrease in your
own stress levels and an increase in the overall health of your
relationships.
And who couldn’t benefit from that?
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